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The Passion of the Kevin Smith
And the Reserection of Ben Affleck
by Sam Kuhlmann
All first-rate super villains suffer from loss. Magneto lost his parents, Lex Luther his hair; so, what is Kevin Smith missing? His latest film, Jersey Girl, is being released in mid-March and I just saw the trailer. It reeks of a sappy letter to some lost lover; it’s dripping with mushy devotion and gushing pleas for tenderness. It’s as if Mr Smith is longing for something or someone. What’s missing in Mr Smith‘s life? Not a family, not a successful career, not a meal. Oh, I know, he’s missing Ben Affleck’s cock. Off making blockbusters with Jennifer Lopez, Mr Affleck hasn’t had much time for his old friend. Kevin Smith has a void where his ass is, and it yearns to be full of Affleck. I am proposing that the trailer for Jersey Girl exposes Mr Smith’s carnal urge for the whiskers on a certain dimpled chin to scramble his eggs.
Even to the casual observer, it’s apparent that, while fully aware of their superficiality, Kevin Smith envies Ben Affleck’s alpha-male qualities. It’s similar to how people from New Jersey envy people in New York. In just a couple of years Mr Affleck rose from unknown frat-boy to Hollywood idol. He was making millions of dollars per movie, romantically linked to the super-star babe Jennifer Lopez, and on the cover of GQ magazine. Yeah, fucking GQ! Affleck became the ultimate male, what’s not to envy?
All super villain style, Mr Smith has concocted a diabolical plot to foil the super man’s place at the top. We can easily unmask this plan with a careful viewing of the Jersey Girl trailer. The first third of the trailer presents Mr Affleck’s character, Oliver, as a replica of the actor in real life. Oliver is presented as a smooth operator, a mover and shaker. He appears to be a king in the workplace. His hair is slicked back and he wears an expensive suit while he leans back to prop his feet up on his desk. What’s more is that he has a beautiful wife, played by Jennifer Lopez. Oliver is Ben. All of these qualities are superficial, but Mr Smith presents them in a flattering light; the voiceover even states, “he had everything he could ever want.” Mr Smith can’t hide his admiration for the character and, in turn, for Mr Affleck.
The trailer soon takes a turn, however. It becomes evident that Ms Lopez’s character dies in childbirth and a distraught Oliver eventually loses his job. He has to move back to New Jersey, learn to be a good father, forget about his old life and start to live again. It all reeks of the WB’s Everwood to me, but that’s not important. What is important is that, with a well-aimed death beam, Mr Smith has stripped Oliver/Affleck of all of the superficial, material characteristics.
Mr Smith’s true purpose, well beyond simple ego destruction, is revealed in the last third of the trailer. We see Oliver open his heart to a new love. The shots alternate between Oliver romancing his daughter, Gertie, and the Liv Tyler character, Maya, romancing Oliver. Mr Smith, using the powers of the cinema, has transubstantiated himself into characters in his own film (the actual Jersey girls, Gertie and Maya). That’s the rub; Kevin Smith is the Jersey girl. Clues in the trailer point toward this leap of faith; Maya works in a video store (a film lover like Smith), and Gertie wears a huge hooded sweatshirt (practically Smith’s uniform). Smith wants to alternately romance and be romanced by Ben Affleck.
The logical conclusion of this romance is carried out in one of the last shots of the trailer. Oliver and Maya are getting busy in the shower (hot and heavy stuff), when they suddenly scream as little Gertie interrupts them. Mr Affleck has, in effect, engaged in a sex act with Kevin Smith, as both Maya and Gertie are stand-ins for the director. Because Gertie is Oliver’s daughter her intrusion into the sex act indicates the perversion. Oliver is aghast when he sees his daughter while engaged, just as Ben is aghast when he realizes the larger situation–I mean, sex with a man! Yikes! But the next shot shows all three characters discussing the situation, and all seem happy. Kevin Smith wrote a happy ending into his plan. He hopes that Ben Affleck will accept the intrusion (that being the penis) and follow his heart.
It’s true that the trailer could be seen as a simple fable or lesson for Oliver/Affleck; if you want to be happy lose the superficial stuff and find what is truly important in life. Yet, the sexual aspect of Kevin Smith’s desire becomes quite obvious if only a few simple threads are traced. (But don’t get too excited, it’s way to late to save Mr Affleck from certain anal doom.)
History is one such thread. In Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Mr Affleck’s character has a proclivity for anal sex, hmm? In Chasing Amy, Mr Affleck gets a lesbian to fall in love with him; he has the virility to sway sexual orientation in his favor (that’s better than x-ray vision). Smith has always relied on a bevy of gay jokes (as has this article, but that doesn’t mean anything, ok?). Furthermore, Smith undoubtedly got a boner during that part of Dazed and Confused when O’Bannion makes Hirschfelder squeal like a pig.
These alone do not unequivocally prove the existence of sexual desire. Freud tells us that sexual appetite originates from a loss. When breast-feeding has concluded a child misses the stimulation that it provided. An appetite for said stimulation arises. Freud asserts that the arousal is of a sexual nature and, therefore, the mouth is the first erogenous zone. That, in simple terms, is the oral stage of sexual development. Subsequent developmental phases involve anal and then genital stimulation. Kevin Smith has made his way through the first two phases and seems poised to take on the dick. Silent Bob is almost never seen without a cigarette in his mouth; text book oral fixation. I think the above history exposes Mr Smith’s proclivity for anal titillation. As Jersey Girl announces a new stage in Kevin Smith’s filmmaking career, the first View Askew film without Jay and Silent Bob (another loss), so does it announce Smith’s awakening into the phallic stage of his sexual development. Ben Affleck is said phallus. *
Kevin Smith made Jersey Girl as a reflection of his deepest desire. He wanted Ben Affleck to stop his traipsing around Hollywood blockbusters with Jennifer Lopez. As of this writing, it appears that Mr Affleck has broken up with Ms Lopez and his last two Hollywood movies have flopped (Gigli and Paycheck). Will the rest of Mr Smith’s evil plan come to fruition? Will Ben fall hopelessly in love with Kevin? Will that shower scene be repeated with the real Kevin Smith, morning in and morning out? Will hunting for a feel good movie pan out for Mr Smith? Or will Matt Damon, faster than a speeding bullet, swoop in, bitch Slap Kevin Smith and take Ben off into the sunset?
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Volume 2, Issue 2 contents
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