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The Johnny Neurotic Show
Is Boring Really a Neurosis?
by Chester Melton
Apparently there’s a portion of the population of Los Angeles that still believes midgets, women kissing each other and sunglasses worn indoors are outrageous. I recently learned that those in this demographic, unable to find Howard Stern on the radio, have a source for radical entertainment: public access television’s Johnny Neurotic Show.
Mr Neurotic is a recovering Las Vegas crack-bum and his co-host is the recovering adult film star, Bridget the Midget. In a whirlwind of disorganization, Johnny and Bridget (see photo) talk to guests, field phone calls, banter with crewmembers and comment on movies that are keyed into the background of the stage. One of the producers explained the show as, “a mix between Howard Stern, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Wayne’s World.” Well, two robots jerking each other off to a Trim Spa commercial would be more entertaining… schwing. No, I didn’t mean that, watching the show live was pretty fun. At least we got to be drunk. We went to sit in the studio audience (which swelled to four people after our group of three arrived), and I believe we were on TV for a few moments (Andy even said the word “shit”). Did you see us? Yeah, probably not, but it’s public access. It’s not meant to be seen.
The guest was a semi-pro wrestler named Leatherface. He’s a gentle giant whose chest whips were like loving kitten nuzzles (we wrassled briefly). A pretty dwarf named Cherub was nice to us in the green room, “It’s best to be drunk.” And the callers were funny as hell:
Caller: “Uh, hey Leatherface, what’s your finishing move?”
Leatherface: “The double-reverse, steer-splitter suplex.” (Or something like that, he was nervous and his mumbles were inaudible through the S&M mask.)
Caller: Oh, that’s cool… um… hey Bridget, will you show your tits again? [Dial tone].
The best part was Mr Neurotic’s lawyer. She looked like Tina Fey, complete with a black pantsuit, horned rimmed glasses and sexy smarts. I’d bet she’s one of the coolest attorney’s in her office; a large chest tattoo poked out of the top of her blouse and she didn’t seem to care about the exhibition of a copyrighted movie keyed into the background of the show, profanity or on air midget breast.
I know, where’s the FCC when you need them?
The Johnny Neurotic Show is on every once in a while on your local cable access channel (I can’t really tell when or what channel that might be, maybe 43 if you have Comcast cable in Hollywood?) Check your local listings or the website:
www.upsidedowntv.com
Become The Media
It’s really easy to make bad TV. I think actually making some is the only way that we can come to a true appreciation of the craftsmanship and genius that goes into something like Mad About You. Huell Howser, move over.
This info will get you on air through the Comcast public access office in Hollywood. Call your local cable provider for other areas.
• Public Access television is Non-commercial, community-produced television. Studio equipment, training, and cablecast time is provided for a small fee or sometimes completely free of charge.
• Anything will be aired, as long as it’s non-profit and non-commercial. Make sure to use common sense with obscenity. Save your Olsen Twins fantasy films for the festival circuit.
• There are two ways to go about getting a show on public access.
• Simply make a show, take it to the cable company (Comcast in Hollywood accepts DVD and 3/4” formats), and they will show it.
• Or, if you don’t have access to video equipment, call Comcast and sign up for the orientation. After that you’ll become a certified producer! That’ll look great on the resume.
• If you need to take some classes to learn equipment you can sign up for those during the orientation.
• Next, go ahead and plan your show. Don’t worry about standard production techniques. No need for scripts–looking awkward will add to the overall unprofessional aesthetic that is cable access. I also suggest getting some costumes and props to spice things up. Super Dave outfits and blow-up dolls seem to be popular and will definitely bring the laughs.
• Before you shoot you’re required to have a pre-production meeting with the public access office at the cable company. I think this is just a formality and you ought to be able to lie your way through it.
• You’re on the air now! Quick, someone bring out the midget.
• Comcast in Hollywood:
900 N. Cahuenga Blvd.
Hollywood, CA 90038
(323) 993-8000
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Volume 2, Issue 3 contents |
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