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Morning Announcements
This is our semi-formal issue. It’s the Dress Down Friday version of Fran. We’re not exactly making forts out of cubicles or anything, though. Because we were really uptight to begin with. As you think of us hard at work at our desks while you read this issue, simply imagine us in a darker shade of spats. In keeping with other magazines for dipshits throughout the globe, we’ve comprised a list of semi-formal things.
Comedian Dress
Nothing says, “I appear happy when I’m out here making you guys laugh, but tell that to those plump backpacking Vermonters that jacked me off with razorblades last night because I promised to introduce them to Dave Cross,” like a t-shirt, jeans and a sportcoat. Actually , that’s a bit dated—the attire de rigeur for comedians these days is more along the lines of ‘balding, incontinent lesbian hobo’.
Soaking
It’s Morman slang for inserting the penis but not moving it around. Apparently, God doesn’t consider it fucking.
Homecoming
The mother of all semi-formals, Homecoming is for boozing in bathroom stalls and sneaking into your date’s basement to get the shit soaked out of you.
Wacky Dads
“I’m driving your mother up to Take-Out Point tonight.”
Bolo Ties
Ejaculate Necklaces
“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton
Pirate Weddings
Assistant Principals
“Hey Mr. Fiorentino, we abbreviated your title. It goes…3…2…1…Ass. Princ.! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. It’s great to be eleven!”
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Our New Favorite Stuff
We Hope this doesn’t come off all pretentious. We just like to talk about our new favorite stuff a lot.
Legitimate Facial Hair
There were photos of Michael Jackson with facial hair in the tabloids awhile back when he was trying to butch up his image. His goatee looked like it was made up of hairs from Norelco commercials. They were plasticine and freakishly unnatural looking—like a beard Mr. Potato Head might have. The cover of Bad, from before he became pervy Uncle Tom, however, shows a much more real-looking Jackson. We found this at a thrift store, and we laugh every time we see it.
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Some Things about Bird Watchers/Pigeonholes
• Bird watchers make exceptional detectives.
• Bird watchers LIVE for the theatre.
• Bird watchers are surprisingly trustworthy.
• Bird watchers have the potential to be absolute bores.
• Bird watchers have the potential to be absolute THRILLS!
• Needless to say, bird watchers aren’t easy to pigeonhole.
• Interestingly enough, pigeonholes are usually clogged with forgettable people such as bird watchers.
• Bird watchers who complain about being pigeonholed ought to
expand their skill set and/or stop being so fucking one-dimensional.
• There is absolutely nothing redeemable about bird watchers save their uncanny ability to be pigeonholed as a bird watcher, which, in all honesty, is actually quite admirable.
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| Read more in our print version. Find it here or subscribe. |
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